How ‘smart’ is your kid?

Idle hands....

Idle hands….

The number of parents that I’ve come into contact with over the years have suggested that their boy or girl is “soooo, sooo smart”.

However upon further deliberation, the ‘smart’ness that they are referring to really hasn’t much to do with ability to relate to others, adapt to their environment, or furthering themselves as young people transitioning into an adult world. It’s more about ego.

Perhaps it’s time to consider different forms of ‘smartness’? We know that there is ‘book smart’ vs ‘real-world’ smart. There are those with a genius around certain topics and then there are those who have more of a general superior intellectual ability.

However it may be deeper than that. There is a certain type of adaptive intelligence that speaks to the persons facility in being at ease wherever they may be located with themselves and with others. The ability to work collaboratively within a team and with the focus on constructing a purposeful life.

Characterological aspects of personality equate into intelligence, as well; things like honesty, straightforwardness, heart felt and strong moral consciousness. These factors all enter into how smart a person truly is to those who experience her or him.

Take this test for yourself as a parent:

1. My kid is not only the smartest in class; my kid is one of the warmest, friendliest, and kind kids I know.

2. My kid smartly plays well with other kids and is a member of the team, not just an individual left standing.

3. My kid does not take all the credit for her or himself, rather shares it with the other team members that were part of the process.

Many families contact us because their kids are ‘smart’, yet not productive. We can help. And at the end of the day, we shall see who is the ‘smartest’ of them all! Those who ask for help or those who don’t?

Are you the ‘inferior’ parent?

Inferiority complex?# Are you the ‘inferior’ parent?

*Inferiority* is something we all grapple with, and some more than others. The word means to feel ‘less than’, and generally in terms of ‘rank’ or ‘status’. However, as a parent, you already have achieved this status, so what’s with the guilt? *Inferiorities* on the other hand are underdeveloped *attributes*.

1) Expectations. Keep ‘you’ vs. ‘*expectations*’ separate in your heart & mind. What are your expectations for parenting, and how do you meet or fall short of meeting those expectations?

Make a list, then ask youself: a) are my expectations too high? b) am I confusing ‘self worth’ with ‘self expecations’?

Comparisons. Look at other parents around you: Are they so different from you? Make a list:
1. a) what *attributes* do others have that you find important? b) how do you develop those *attributes* c) what supports do they own that contribute to their *success*?
2. b) what *attributes* do you own that they don’t? How did you develop those attributes? Do the same in building new ones!
3. Make a plan using a calendar of activities & outcome review. NOTHING happens without a plan. Google a parent support group or coach in your area. From Los Angeles (http://www.laparent.com) to London (http://londonparents.co.uk) you can find parent support groups with activities and education galore.

In the end, it’s not about *who* you are, it’s about *skills*. *Inferiorities are simply deficits that can be developed into attributes*. And follow the words of Eleanor Roosevelt. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

*Inferiority complex*, however is an ongoing condition or state of being. If you have experienced this ongoing state, then seek out professional help from a therapist who specializes in treating those of your gender & has ongoing group counseling. Group work is essential in finding support.

One final invitation. Parenting is ‘tough work’. Many families have profited from ‘boarding school’ solutions that we have offered over the decades. It is not ‘sending them away’, rather, it is ‘an opportunity to succeed’ in life. Need proof? Click here: http://goo.gl/ezNMqd

BDPS: Looking for DV answers from a forensic expert

Improper powerI opined today in federal immigration court on a matter involving a middle age woman previously found guilty of committing a crime spree of stealing, not alone, but along side of her ex-spouse. Certainly a reason to deport a non-citizen until you get to the interview.

In visiting her last year in jail, I found a truly worn and early aging woman, battered with bruises on the face, her arms, & scars let on her neck that uniformly begged the question : How did this happen? How did this happen TO YOU?

The story unfolds like an onion, peel by peel revealing how she was forced to collaborate in these crimes of survival for her life given her ex’s compulsion for illegal narcotics, and need to pay the family bills. In the end, her actions were not ‘good enough’ as she was allegedly beaten into even further submission.

A decade later, she has found her ‘voice’. She talks of regaining her composure, her self esteem, her life in ridding herself of her love obsession and putting her energy back where it counts: Into her self and the family who support her growth and independence.

Battered domestic partner syndrome goes by other names and characteristics such as PTSD, however, it is a ‘known’ syndrome among the women and men who have suffered from it and those who treat it. It looks like domestic violence, and it is with some interesting additions. BDPS often look like ‘learned helplessness’ , where initially the ‘victim’ sides with the aggressor in considering them omnipresent and ‘knowing’ of everything about them.

In this way there is a leverage of ‘power’ that the spouse has over the over in ‘guilt-ing’ them into agreeing with their tactics of abuse, as rightful. However, over time, there can be reactiveness on the part of the abused to no longer side, and even become defiant and reactive to the abuse suffered. Sometimes in BDPS the victim becomes the offender in taking out a rage against the other, resulting in a ‘rightful revenge’.

Psychology Today recently published an article on domestic violence and highlight the report “Women, Domestic Violence, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)” by Margaret J. Hughes and Loring Jones, “The severity of the violence, the duration of exposure, early-age onset, and the victim’s cognitive assessment of the violence (perceived degree of threat, predictability, and controllability) exacerbate the symptoms.” 

The United States Office on Violence Against Women (the O.V.W.) suggests that every 9 seconds a spouse is abused by their partner, in leading BDPS as a leading cause of injury amongst women. Likewise, BDPS becomes a main player in the deportation of women who are abused in the US. Today the judge was sympathetic to this psychologist’s opinion in considering cancellation of deportation of the client. This only came after a report and professional testimony demonstrating that she was likely not to reoffend given her commitment to counseling and changes in her life.

If you are suffering form such a syndrome, or helping others who may experience it, get help or advice. It takes more than a single person to help these individuals, it takes a community. I work with attorneys who can case manage and bring the legal expertise you need to court. Please don’t hesitate to make contact to help with treat your emotional needs.

Opine, Doctor. Stanford Psychiatry Grand Rounds

Stanford

photo 1In today’s society of ‘trend’ culture, pluralistic ignorance (Pi) dictates that the majority go along with an idea that is thought incorrect, but assumed popular with others. Court rooms today deal with the same issue of Pi with juries having to sort out as individuals a consensus of collective conscious that bears fruit for democratic justice.

If I have one bias brought to light during my presentation at Stanford, it is intellectual and cultural activism. The Grand Rounds allowed me today to speak to a matter of popular assumption where testifying in court is routine, adversarial, and not proactive in bringing about changes within community.

In most of the cases where I personally testified, I have witnessed jury members paying close attention to my testimony, and looking past the adversarial court room moves by attorneys to find the conclusion that ‘makes best sense’ in spite of the popular trend.

Thank you colleagues at Stanford U Psychiatry in allowing me to ‘opine’ on topics of relevant expert testimony before you this week. The questions posed to me after the presentation by you, the participants suggest that you ‘got’ the point of opinion bringing about change within community, and ways to ensure the democratic process stays alive.

A Special Honor from World Psychology Forum, Prague, CZ

Dr Burdick recognized by WPF for his Cross Cultural Presentation

Dr Burdick recognized by WPF for his Cross Cultural Presentation

THANK YOU World Psychology Forum for voting mine the ‘best’ of Cross Cultural presentations this year, 2015 in Prague. It was unexpected, and the crystal plaque appreciated. I am looking forward to Yokohama 2016 and Bruno CZ 2017.

It was also a pleasure to meet the ‘best of the best’ panel presenters in Prague this year, including but not limited to drs. Philip Zimbardo, Christina Masach, Shalom Schwartz, Martina Klicperova-Baker, and Saths Cooper to name but a few. The WPS is a courageous and innovative pursuer of cross over contributions from social, political, economic, and cultural entities. I’m pleased to have been chosen among the first recognized contributors. Philip Zimbardo & Me

Prague at night

Prague at night